The “Becoming” Trap - #12

Personal transformation requires change in our inner being, not just in our external actions.

This requires us to make a distinction between what we “truly” feel versus pure behavior, such as pretending to “care” about something. Pretending to “care” is only a behavior. It is not caused by a realization.

If someone refrains from stealing out of fear of hell, they are simply a “thief” who is afraid.

If you desire to steal, that makes you a “thief,” regardless of whether or not you actually steal. If the reason you don’t steal is that you fear hell, you’re still a thief–you are just a thief who is afraid, but you are still a thief. The difference between you and a thief who actually steals is fear, and no one would consider fear a virtue.

We could argue that a “thief” who does not steal because of fear is worse than a thief who actually steals, because a “thief” who doesn’t steal because of fear is still a thief and, on top of that, he lacks courage.

Fear, and therefore acting or not acting out of fear, does not transform the inner individual but is merely an external force that acts as a limitation.

The fact that you are scared of doing something does not transform your inner being in any way. The fear limits only your behavior, but it does not change your inner desire. It’s just an outside pressure.

Real transformation, by contrast, generally arises from a realization, not from fear or other external factors.

What truly transforms your inner being is realization.

In the context of this book, realization is realizing that something that you thought was true is not actually true – but also realizing that something is logical or makes sense, such as the idea from Chapter 23 that sentience is a property of ultimate Reality.

When you realize something, it produces a transformation in your inner being. Except for realization, any attempt at change is just applying external pressure to yourself. It doesn’t produce any real change in your inner being. For example:

• You may realize you were hurting other people.

• Now that you realize you were hurting other people, you may decide you don’t want to do it anymore.

• That decision would produce a change in your inner being because it comes from a realization.

Let’s say you’re a thief and you regularly steal.

At some point, you may realize that you’re hurting other people by stealing their things. This realization could significantly reduce your desire to steal.

If a pedophile has the urge to rape children, they have a deviant instinct that they did not choose to have. By exercising their will not to follow their impulse, because they recognize the harm it would cause the child, they are, in fact, far more kind than a “good person” who does not steal for fear of hell.

The pedophile may exercise his will not to follow the impulse to rape because he doesn’t want to cause harm. That is completely different from the thief not following his impulse to steal because he wants to avoid jail.

In the first case, it’s an altruistic concern. In the second case, it’s a selfish concern.

Even though the pedophile has not changed in his nature (he is still a pedophile), he has changed in the sense that he has become altruistic instead of being selfish. Something has changed–but something has also not changed. He is still a pedophile, but he now cares about others.

By realizing the harm he would do to the child, he could then make the effort not to act. The desire to “not harm” would prevail.

He has not changed across all dimensions. He is still a pedophile, but a change has happened in his inner being–because now he is a pedophile that doesn’t want to harm others. He is still a pedophile, he has not changed in the “dimension” of his preference for sex with children, but he actually has changed in the dimension of caring about others. So there is actually a real inner change: He is now a kind pedophile that doesn’t want to harm others.

But instead if he decided not to act because he feared jail, there would then be no transformation of his inner being.

Step 1: He went from being a pedophile that doesn’t realize the harm he can cause to others–to being a pedophile that does realize the harm he can cause to others.

Step 2: Then he changed from being a pedophile that realizes the harm he can cause to others–to being a pedophile who also cares about not causing harm to others.

Step 1 is a realization.

Step 2 is that realization (in Step 1) bringing the desire not to harm.

The fact that Step 1 happens doesn’t guarantee that Step 2 will follow. The pedophile could realize the harm he can cause to others (Step 1) and not care about that harm–and continue abusing children.

What could make someone reach Step 1 but not Step 2?

Someone might think that only a “bad” person would reach Step 1 but not Step 2.

However in the example of Jesus – who everyone considers to be a good person – he decided to die on the cross in order to spread his message even though he could have avoided it, knowing that this would cause enormous pain to his mother.

In conclusion, the deciding factor for sacrificing someone else (not reaching Step 2) seems to be how important something is for us versus what has to be sacrificed.

We could easily say that the pedophile who stops raping in order to avoid doing harm is kinder than the “thief” who refrains from stealing because of fear of jail or hell–because in this case, the pedophile realized that he was harming others, and then cared about the harm he was doing, so he stopped. But the “thief” cares only about his own well-being to avoid jail.

The pedophile is acting from the realization that he would hurt children unless he refrains from raping them–unlike the “thief,” who is refraining from stealing, but only out of fear of hell or jail.

The motivation is different for the thief versus the pedophile, and that changes everything.

The will to refrain from acting on our impulses also arises from our awareness of the harm such actions might cause to others, and not only from fear of the consequences for ourselves.

Everyone is going to consider the consequences to themselves. This is normal. But not everyone is going to consider the consequences for others. This is the difference between being selfish and altruistic.

What has a transformative effect on us is the realization of the impact our actions have on others.

To understand the impact our actions have on others and thus be able to consciously act, we must engage our intelligence.

To be able to act consciously is the opposite of acting impulsively. To be able to act consciously, we must understand the impact of our actions, and that requires intelligence.

Intelligence is the ability to calculate and understand the implications of our choices on ourselves and others, allowing us to consciously act.

It’s important to understand the consequences of our actions so we can truly “own” the decision.

Regret can serve as a criterion for weighing our actions. We can ask ourselves whether we are more likely to regret doing something or not doing it. This strategy enables us to foresee the outcomes of a possible action, allowing our actions to be better directed and our choices guided by intelligence.

It’s a “rule of thumb” to ask yourself if you think you are more likely to regret doing something, or if you think you are more likely to regret not doing that same thing. Which one do you feel is going to be a potential bigger cause of regret in the future, doing or not doing? It’s a criterion for trying to predict the consequences of each option (doing versus not doing) to guide your choice–so you can make a better decision by trying to predict the outcomes.