“Stories” As Motivation to Do Something We Don’t Want to Do
When we force ourselves to do something we do not want to do, the only motivation for doing it is a “story.”
This is logical. If you like to do something, the motivation to do it is the fact that you like it.
If you don’t like something, you need a “story” as motivation in order to do it.
“I Want” Versus “I Should/Must”
There are two reasons why we do something, because “I must/should” do it or because “I want” to do it.
“I must/should” means we feel we have an obligation.
There is no technical difference between “must” and “should.” Effectively they are of the same quality, differing only in degree of intensity: “must” is more intense than “should.” So for simplicity’s sake, we are going to use “must.”
“I want” implies we desire something. The motivation is in the desire itself.
Every time we do something driven by an “I must” rather than by an “I want,” we are always in the presence of a “story.” There are various possible combinations:
“I must” statements can be
a) motivated by a feeling of obligation, whether the obligation is real or not
b) motivated by a desire to defend a certain “story” about our identity
A feeling of obligation is a desire to do something in order to avoid specific consequences.
A desire to defend a certain “story” about one’s identity is a desire to do something in order to maintain that “story.” For example, if I tell myself the identity “story” that I am a “real man,” plus I have the generic belief that real men go to war, then in order to be a “real man,” I must go to war.
The pattern here is
First, I believe an identity “story,” which is “I am a real man.”
Second, I believe a generic “story,” which is that “Real men go to war.”
These two “stories” lead to a conclusion: “Since I am a real man, and real men go to war, then I must go to war.”
The “I want” statements can be:
a) a direct desire, that is, one without any “story” behind it
b) an indirect desire with a “story” behind it
Direct desire is when we want something simply because it is our direct preference, and a “story” is not necessary to motivate us. The desire itself is the motivation. For example, “I want ice cream,” is a direct desire that comes from liking the taste of ice cream, and that’s all. There is no “story” involved.
Indirect desire is when we want something because of a “story.” For example, you may want a Ferrari, not because you really like Ferraris, but because you believe owning a Ferrari makes you cool.
“Stories” Versus Direct Desire
“Stories” motivate us to do things when there is no direct desire.
When we have a direct desire, we don’t need a “story” as motivation. For example, we enjoy taking a hot bath, and we do so for no other reason. We have a direct desire for a hot bath.
If, on the other hand, we desire a diamond, we have no direct desire for a diamond. We desire it because of its prestige, the fact that it is rare, and the idea that owning it means being an important person. This is an indirect desire and therefore requires a “story.”
If there were diamonds everywhere, we wouldn’t care if we had one or not. But diamonds are not everywhere, so the reason we desire a diamond is because of its scarcity and the status it gives. The scarcity creates its prestige: only a few people get to have one because they are hard to find. So in this case, the motivation for wanting a diamond is a “story” of prestige or ego.
But no one needs a “story” for motivation to take a hot bath. It does not matter if hot water is rare or not. In the Middle Ages, hot water was scarce, so rich people could get a hot bath and poor people could not get a hot bath. But today, now that hot water is cheap and easily available, everyone still wants a hot bath. Wanting a hot bath does not require a “story.” You just enjoy it no matter whether or not other people desire one. It’s just nice to have a hot bath.
Another example: In Napoleon’s day, aluminium was scarce, so when he entertained the most important guests he did not take out his gold fork and knife. He used the ones made of aluminum – not because they were prettier or nicer but because they were more prestigious due to their greater scarcity.
An Example of “I Should/Must” Stories Versus “I Want”
Stories also have the “power” to make us do things we would not do without them.
For example, when war breaks out, a man decides to enlist in the army. There may be two possible motivations for joining up: the first is based on an “I must,” and the second is based on an “I want.”
Option 1: A man must enlist.
a. If he doesn’t enlist, the government will have him shot, so he enlists because he doesn’t want to get shot. (This is the case of a feeling of obligation.)
or
b. If he believes that a “real man” goes to war when called to do so, then he goes to war to confirm his “identity story” that he is a “real man” – he already feels he is a real man and he wants to maintain this identity. (This is the case of defending a pre-existing identity “story.”)
Option 2: A man wants to enlist.
a. If he likes the excitement of battle, then there is no “story” necessary. (This is the case of direct desire with no “story” behind it.)
or
b. If, first, he believes that earning a lot of medals in war will make him a “hero,” and, second, he wants to be a “hero” and he believes he is not, then he will go to war to win those medals to become a “hero.” (This is the case of indirect desire with a “story” behind it.)
In Option 1.a., if he doesn’t enlist, the alternative is terrible: he will be shot. In this case, it’s almost an absolute obligation, because nobody wants to be shot. He doesn’t want to die, so it’s not about a story, it’s about not wanting to die. To feel better about the fact that he has no good choices in the matter, and he’s basically obligated to enlist or die, then he will use the “story of last resort,” which is the “story” of sacrifice. When someone feels like they have no choice, (meaning both alternatives are terrible: going to war is terrible and getting shot is terrible), he uses the “story of last resort,” which is the story of “sacrifice,” to make himself feel better. It feels better to believe that you did something willingly than to believe that you were forced, or that you had no “good” choices.
He either goes to war or he dies on the spot, so it is most likely that he would rather go to war and take his chances. There are two choices and both are terrible, so to feel better about the lack of “good” choices, he tells himself that he’s making a “sacrifice” for someone or something – for instance, he is sacrificing himself for his country.
In Option 1.b., he enlists because he believes he is a real man, plus he believes that real men go to war. He believes that he has to go to war to validate that he is a “real man.” If he doesn’t go to war, then he will not be a “real man” anymore and he never was.
In Option 2.a., he enlists because he wants to go to war because he enjoys that kind of work, finding battle, the adrenaline rush, and action stimulating. In this case, it is no longer a matter of “I must” but of “I want,” without any “story” behind it.
In this case, he has a direct preference: He enjoys the experience of battle.
In Option 2.b., he wants to go to war because he wants to be a hero. He believes that if you earn medals, then you become a hero, so he wants the medals so he will be a hero. This is an “I want,” but with a “story” behind it.
After exploring these four combinations, we can examine the critical difference between Option 1.b., “I must” and Option 2.b., “I want.”
In “I must,” you lose something you believe you already had.
In 1.b., he believes 1) that he is a “real man” and 2) that a “real man” goes to war. Because of that, he has to go to war in order to validate his belief that he is a “real man.” He goes to war not to acquire a new “identity story” but to confirm the “identity story” he already believes. If he doesn’t go, not only is he not a “real man” anymore, he also never was. This would invalidate his identity “story” retroactively.
In “I want,” you believe you acquire something you did not have.
In 2.b., he does not believe he is a “hero” yet, but he believes that if he earns the medals, then he will become a hero. There is a “transformation” in 2.b. from not being a “hero” to being a “hero.” He does not believe he is a “hero” yet, but he believes that if he earns the medals, that will make him a hero.
“Sacrifice” as “A Story of Last Resort” or “Sacrifice” as “The Cherry on the Cake”
There are two cases of “sacrifice.” One case is when “sacrifice” is the “story of last resort.” The other is when “sacrifice” is a “cherry on the cake.”
Case 1: The “story of last resort.” When you are faced with a “real” obligation – you have no option but to do something terrible, and you do not want to accept that you have no good choices, and there is no “story” to motivate you – then, in order to feel better, you say that you are “sacrificing” yourself. You make it sound like you have a real choice but actually it’s a fake choice because both choices are bad. You come up with a “story” of sacrifice. “Sacrifice” is the “story of last resort,” when you cannot come up with any better “story,” and you feel you have no “good” choice but to do something that you really don’t want to do or face terrible consequences – the outcome is terrible either way.
For example, there is a war and you are drafted. You are forced to enlist in the military or get shot. Since you feel you have no choice except to enlist (you will be shot if you don’t enlist), you need a “story” to feel better about the fact that the choice isn’t truly yours. In this example, when you cannot come up with any “story,” you use the “story of last resort,” which is the story of sacrifice. When you cannot come up with any better story, you say, “I am sacrificing myself for my country.”
For another example, let’s say you want to get divorced, but if you do you will lose everything. You then use the “story of last resort,” “sacrifice.” You say, “I am sacrificing myself for the sake of my wife’s happiness.” It’s not true. It’s just easier to say that you’re doing it for your wife than to say that you don’t want to lose everything – it just feels better.
The other case of sacrifice is a “story” you can add to any situation, like a “cherry on the cake.”
Case 2: A “cherry on the cake.” Sometimes, you can also add a nice “story” of “sacrifice” on top of most situations to make you feel better about that situation, and this applies to all the scenarios in this chapter. You can add a nonsense “story of sacrifice” to make yourself feel better in the following situations, when you:
do something just because you like to do it (when there is no need for a”story”);
do something because you are already motivated by a “story,” such as “I do this because I am generous, and this is what generous people do”; and
have no good choice but to do something that you really don’t want to do or face terrible consequences.
Real Sacrifice
There is another kind of “sacrifice” to examine.
Most of the time, when people talk about sacrifice, they are not speaking of a real sacrifice. That’s why we have spent so much time exploring the idea of “sacrifice.”
But there is also such a thing as a real sacrifice.
The way we recognize real sacrifice is that it has to always be unconditional, meaning it’s not about bargaining, exchange, obligation, transaction, or pressure. There is nothing for you to gain or lose. You do it because you care about others – you do it out of benevolence, and nothing else. There is only one situation when it is likely that you are really sacrificing yourself: When you sacrifice for somebody who has absolutely no power over you.
There could be an exception – it is remotely possible that you really could “unconditionally sacrifice” for someone who has power over you, but this rarely happens. In reality, you probably just unconsciously feel pressure to do it. Maybe you sacrifice yourself because you actually care about the other person who has power over you – but that is incredibly rare, and in this case, most of the time, you are just lying to yourself.
In theory, it is possible to make an “unconditional sacrifice” for someone who has power over you – but you must be very careful to find out if that is truly the case.
Are you actually lying to yourself?
Are you telling yourself a “story of sacrifice”?
Is the “sacrifice” actually a bargain, exchange, transaction, obligation, or the result of pressure?
If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” you are not making a real sacrifice.
The Unlikelihood of Sacrifice When Someone Has Power Over You
If you have never done anything for somebody who had absolutely no power over you, then you probably have never done a real sacrifice in your life.
For example, let’s say your boss asks you to do a favor for him and you say, “Okay, I will do this sacrifice for you.”
Then the janitor asks you to do a favor for him and you say, “Sorry, I can’t do it.”
Most likely you agree to the “sacrifice” for your boss only because your boss has power over you, and since the janitor has no power over you, you don’t help. If the sacrifice was truly unconditional, you would most likely have done it for both the janitor and the boss.
However, if you “sacrifice” yourself for the janitor, who has no power over you, and you are also not doing it because of a “story” (such as “I am a good guy,”), then, by definition, you are acting on a genuine desire to help – you are making a “real” or “unconditional sacrifice.”
Obligation Makes Sacrifice Impossible
If a “sacrifice” is done out of a feeling of obligation, it is never a real sacrifice.
Many people believe that “sacrifice” is done because of obligation – but this is completely wrong.
If obligation is involved – either a “real” obligation (which is rare) or the feeling of obligation (which is common) – then there is no sacrifice. (Think of a real obligation such as, for example, gravity: If you jump out a window, you are literally obligated to fall to the earth because you have no choice.)
However, let’s say someone asks you for money. This person has no power over you, you are willing to help him despite the effort it will take, and you have no feeling of obligation to help.
This is a real sacrifice: you do it exclusively for the good of the other.
This is key: There is no pressure whatsoever. There is no obligation. The wanting is stronger than the effort it takes.
The best example is when you do something for someone and they are not even aware that you are doing it. For example, let’s say you have little money and you have to decide where to send your child to school. There is a costly school that is very good, and a cheaper school that is not as good. What is best for your child is for you to pay for the better, costlier school – but to do that, you will have to work many extra hours and do without nice things for yourself. Your child will never know that you did the effort to pay for the better school, but you do it anyway to benefit the child. This is a real sacrifice: It takes effort and there is no pressure or benefit for you. You are making an effort without obligation and denying yourself something because you want to. You are making a real sacrifice for the child.
Another example is that a group of friends is collecting donations to help a family you all know. They “pass the hat” and everyone can see how much each person donates. No matter how much you put in, this is not a sacrifice – because there is an exchange (money for prestige), the feeling of obligation (if you don’t give money, people will think you are a bad person), pressure (people expect you to give a certain amount), etc. If there is obligation, exchange, pressure, bargain, or transaction, there is no real sacrifice.
Now let’s say that everyone makes a donation in an unmarked envelope. No one can see how much you did or did not donate. You can put in $1, $1000, or anything else you like. You can also put in $0. No one will ever know what you put in.
If you put in a large amount because you want to help, you will make a real sacrifice because 1) it costs effort because you have to part with some of your savings, and 2) there is no obligation because you could put zero dollars in the envelope and never be discovered since the envelope is sealed. So if you make effort without obligation, you truly want to help. This is the definition of a real sacrifice: It requires effort (in this case, in the form of giving money) and you not feeling obligation.
Another example: Let’s say you are cooking steaks, one for yourself and one for your spouse. One is a better piece of meat than the other. You can’t tell by looking at them. You know only because the butcher told you. If you give the superior piece of meat to your spouse, that is a real sacrifice – because you do without (renunciation) and the other person doesn’t even know you did without (absolute lack of feeling of obligation or benefit). You did it out of true benevolence. You could have taken the better piece and your spouse never would have known. That’s why it’s a real sacrifice: You make an effort without external pressure (your spouse knowing), without internal pressure (“story”), and without benefit to you.
If the motivation for this act is a “story” then it is not a sacrifice. If you say, for example, “I do this because I am a good guy,” then you are doing it in order to defend the “story” of being a good guy. The “story” acts as internal pressure, so even if there is no outside pressure, that internal pressure means it is not a real sacrifice.
However, if:
there is no feeling of obligation;
there is effort;
you want to do it; and
there is no “story”
then it is a real sacrifice.
Sacrifice and the Least Effort Necessary
Finally, when you do a real sacrifice, the effort has to be the least effort necessary. If you do more effort than the least effort necessary, it is not a real sacrifice. It becomes a matter of ego. To demonstrate, let’s return to the scenario of choosing one school over another for your child.
Let’s say you want to send your child to a superior school but it is costly. You are struggling financially, but your parents are very wealthy and they love your child, their grandchild. If you ask them for the money to pay for that school, you know that they will say yes. They will be very happy to do so. It will not be a burden for them and will take no effort because they are very rich. You are sure that they will say yes and that it will require no effort from them.
If you, as the parent, are doing it exclusively to do what is best for the child, you will ask for the money – and you will do so because it is the easiest way, the “path of least resistance” to reach the goal.
But if instead you burden yourself with unnecessary effort just to avoid asking your parents to pay – maybe you say, “I must do this on my own” – then it becomes a matter of ego. You’re choosing the difficult road to inflate your ego. You feel you are “sacrificing” yourself for your child (working many more hours to send your child to the superior school, which also prevents you from spending more time with your child) but you are only inflating your ego.
If ego were not part of the equation, then you would take the easiest way to achieve the objective of sending your child to the better school.
Not taking the “path of least resistance” that still achieves the goal is a sign that ego is involved.
When we talk about the “path of least resistance,” it’s not about the “path of least resistance” in general, like sitting on the couch. It is the “path of least resistance” to achieve the objective. If you are not using the “path of least resistance” to reach the objective, as opposed to doing unnecessary effort just to validate your ego, then it’s not a sacrifice because now it’s about you – it’s about your ego. To be a sacrifice, it must also satisfy the other four points: there is no feeling of obligation; there is effort; you want to do it; and there is no “story.”
For example, you could sit at home eating ice cream and accept the lesser quality school but that “path of least resistance” doesn’t lead to the objective.
Usually people will assume that a real sacrifice is reacting to a feeling of obligation, but actually it’s the opposite. When it’s an obligation (perceived or real, or an exchange, transaction, pressure, etc), it’s never a real sacrifice.
A real sacrifice is present when 1) there is no feeling of obligation, 2) effort is required, 3) the want is stronger than the effort, 4) there is no “story” behind, and 5) you are doing the minimum effort required to achieve the objective. If you have those five things, then it’s a real sacrifice.