Ego and Identity Stories - #5

Ego is what we believe we are.

Ego stories are stories we tell ourselves about our identity.

When we use the word “ego,” we are referring to stories about identity–stories about the kind of person we believe ourselves to be.

We are not referring to the concept of “ego” from psychology. In psychology, ego is something else entirely and does not matter to our discussion.

In our discussion, ego refers to the stories we tell ourselves about what we think we are, such as “I am kind”, “I am generous”, or “I am brave.”

“Ego” equals “identity stories.”

Ego stories arise from the need to feel special in some way.

We all crave the feeling of being special.

The need to feel special is the underlying belief that fuels ego stories and keeps them alive.

This need to feel special is the force–the belief we have–that gives power to those ego stories. We believe ego stories because we want to feel special.

Because of this need to feel special, we hold beliefs that may not be true.

This belief is summed up in the expression: “The world should be fair and give me what I deserve because I am special.”

This sentence is the opposite of enlightenment. In this worldview, everything is distorted.

First, it uses the word “should.” As we discussed in Chapter 3, this suggests a fork in reality that produces an alternative version of reality–but no alternative version of reality is possible.

Then it uses the word “fair.” As we discussed in Chapter 4, this refers to “universal justice,” which might not exist. And even if it does exist, we could not know how it operates–because we do not know the ultimate nature of reality.

Next it uses the word “deserve,” which is the implementation of “fairness.” “Deserving” is how “fairness” impacts you.

Finally, you believe that things should affect you in a positive way because you are “special,” but the only reason you believe you are “special” is because of an identity story.

This worldview is the opposite of enlightenment:

The world “should”–distorted

–be “fair”–distorted

–and give me what I “deserve”–distorted

–because I am “special”–distorted.

When someone reaches enlightenment, they will not believe any of these stories. Thus they will be free from the distortions those stories create.

They will not believe the world “should” be anything but what it is.

They will not believe in “fairness,” meaning universal justice–and they would not believe in their ability to understand its inner workings, even if it were real.

They will not believe in the concept of “deserving,” which is inherited from the concept of “fairness.”

And they will not believe that they are “special.”

(This introduces something ironic: Most people believe that they are special. When you reach enlightenment, you realize that you are not special–but realizing that you are not special makes you “special.”)

This sentence encapsulates the illusory belief that being special entitles us to receive something in return. Since the world must be fair, it must give me what I deserve in return for my being special. “Because I am very intelligent, I deserve to make a lot of money” (assuming the world to be fair).

We believe that because we are special, which of course is wrong, we are entitled to receive something. Since the world is fair, which is another wrong assumption, it “should”–there’s that distorting word again–give me what I deserve in return for being special.

Because the world is fair and because I’m special, the world must give me what I deserve in return. For example, I may believe an ego story that says I am very intelligent. And because I believe this ego story–that I am very intelligent–I “deserve” to make a lot of money, because I also assume that the world is “fair.”

But things rarely work out that way. That is because there is no magical rule in reality that says that if you are smart, you get money. In fact, some idiots have lots of money and some smart people have none.

Ego stories make us feel special in an absolute sense. We see ourselves as better than others in every dimension and every context, failing to recognize that, at most, we may be better only in some dimensions and only in relative terms. Rather, the correct way to see this would be: “I am rich, and that makes me better than someone who isn’t, but only in terms of wealth.” Similarly, being tall is generally an advantage, but in some cases it can be an obstacle. For example, for a tall woman, it may be harder to find a man as tall.

Most of the time, the feeling of specialness is absolute–which is wrong, but that is what we feel. The person who feels special in one way may believe that he is also special in many other ways. For example, if the rich person believes he is better than someone who is not rich–but only in terms of wealth–that would be true. But if he believes that since he is better in terms of wealth, he is also smarter and more generous, that would be wrong. Being rich doesn’t automatically make you smarter and more generous, but the feeling of specialness occurs anyway. We often believe “specialness” in one dimension makes us special in all of them.

Not all ways of being “special” are an advantage. For example, being tall is generally an advantage but in some cases it is not. Some women find some situations difficult if they are taller than average. Being “special” in such a case is not advantageous in every dimension and every context.

There are exceptions in which the ego story is centered on victimhood. In victimhood, a person identifies with traits generally seen as negative: I am less capable, I am unluckier…

In victimhood, the “advantage” of a trait is not “I’m special because I’m better.” With victimhood, the advantage is “I’m special because I’m worse.”

A person may identify–may tell themselves an ego story–with traits that are generally seen as negative, such as “I am less capable” or “I am unlucky.” Identifying with a trait that is “worse” makes them feel just as special as identifying with a trait they believe is “better”: If they cannot be special with the good, then they want to be special with the bad.

For example, someone of average intelligence may tell themselves a story that they have trouble learning. But whether or not they really do have trouble learning doesn’t matter, because this ego story lets them be a part of a group that is “special.”.

An ego story can be recognized by the fact that, when it is attacked, we make an effort—even an intense one—to defend it.

A very specific characteristic of the ego story is that if someone attacks the story, the person who tells himself the story will put forth a lot of effort to defend that story.

Resorting to effort to protect a story is a clear indicator that what we are trying to defend is an identity story.

We believe in “should” stories–but we don’t defend them. However, we believe and defend identity stories.

This dynamic is brilliantly portrayed in the film Back to the Future. To avoid being seen as a coward, the main character, Marty McFly, defends his ego story about courage by accepting a challenge that will get him into trouble.

The identifying characteristic of an ego story is the amount of effort we are willing to put in to defend it. As we explored in this example in Chapter 2, Marty is willing to do extremely dangerous things to defend his identity story.